| Wow.. the last time I wrote in here was way before I even knew Curtis.
Boy has life changed.
I remember being so heartbroken over Ricky..
but compared to this.. to how I feel right now..
That wasnt even like a flick in the face. Im not saying that it didn't hurt..
but in comparison.. that was NOTHING.
I.. I can't even write im upset.
Im going to a psychiatrist soon because I need to talk to someone. I need something and someone to help me get better.
But really.. the only person who can is the one who is making me feel this way.
Why do I have to be so fucking retarded.
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| Good morning all.
I sit again in Alg. on kristen's laptop, being as I no longer have mine.
There's no open ice skating tonight, not until Sunday, so that sucks. oh well... maybe ill find something else to do, though i was really looking forward to ice skating with Desiree and Adrienne.
Anyway... so life is seemingly getting more and more complicated.
yes, i like chris.
but. Yes, i still love Ricky, though im being told i don't... ( who the hell has the right to say how i feel besides me????)
Its complicated because he sits there and tells me, " oh i don't want to be with you, im so much happier without you" but then when i try and move on with my life... because obviously its not worth sitting around waiting for him... he gets ticked at me and acts like its this HUGE sin that im moving on... and gets all hurt about it... excuse me??? who broke up with who?? Yeah. thought so. It just doesnt make sense how he can sit there and tell me how III feel .. when clearly the only person who really does is me. and i can honestly say that im not lying when i say i still love him, and i do, and i will... despite my efforts to move on. He can sit there and tell me that im acting like 8 months of my life never happened... but whos the one who just broke it off like they never mattered? I'm the one who sat and practically BEGGED for a second chance, cause i wasnt ready to move on yet... but you denied me of that chance. and now its like you expect me to sit around and mope about you all day long. well.. yes. i miss you, and YES i still love you.. but im not about to waste my life moaping about a guy who seemingly doesnt care about anything other than making himself happy... cant you see that your happy??? Youve told me a thousand times over "im so much happier without you.. i love being single" and you act like im not supposed to be hurt by that, but when i say something like that, you get all mad and upset and start calling me a liar, and its ridiculous . you're being hypocritical. you know, im just trying to make you happy and apparently you being single is making you happy. you tell me to stop coming over and im working on that. So why cant you stop calling me a liar and saying all this shit and acting like you can still control me when you know thats its making me unhappy? obviously im happier like this. I'm happier being singled and not controlled by you. I'm happier not being your doormat anymore. Yes, i still love you, and will always like i promised. and ill never break that, and YES I STILL MISS YOU and i will for a while despite Chris, or anyone. and you need to get this through your mind and stop calling me a liar, cause im effing sick of it.
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| Chris asked me out today...
I said no
at least not yet.
I still love Ricky |
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| and its too late to tell you that i care
and im wishing you here
and i think it would be better if you had never left at all
this place is not the same
without the smile on your face
and if you were here, then i would take you everywhere |
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| im trying to decide a very important issue now.
What is it that i really want? |
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